How to Transform Failure Into Growth

When you feel like a failure, it can feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. You might feel like you as a person are bad, and everyone knows just how bad you messed up.

But that’s not necessarily the reality of the situation.

Failure is really just a label slapped onto challenging situations – those unexpected and unplanned hiccups along the road that you thought was going to look a little different. Perceived failure is uncomfortable, but it is always something that you can live through and transcend. It is not the end of the world, though it may feel like it in the moment.

So if you feel like a failure, try using these tricks to lift yourself up and pull through the discomfort.

Tip #1: Redefine and Reframe “Failure”

Sophia Amuroso’s intro to her Girl Boss podcast has a line that goes something like this: “Success was defined by a bunch of old white dudes in a room.” Right? Who defines what “success” is? By that token, who defines what “failure” is? Are you going to live by someone else’s definitions, or your own?

Reframe how you think about success and failure. Look at them not as final outcomes, but as stepping stones along a larger, longer path that you can’t see down all the way.

Successes are wins, and you are 100% entitled to celebrate them as such!

Failures are only failures if you stop going. Otherwise, what people typically call “failure” is just a hard lesson wrapped up in a label. But a lesson by nature has something for you to learn out of it.

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Learn something from every failure. That way, it’s not a failure because it’s actually an experience that’s helped you to keep on learning and growing. And you’re not likely to repeat the same “mistake” again.

You are becoming wiser and more capable all the time – do so more intentionally and consciously by owning your “failures” and managing the outcome as best you can by learning from it and being all the better for it after.

Furthermore, you can’t gain these lessons and wisdom without the hard lessons! As humans, this is honestly a common and expected part of life. So embrace the bumps along the road because those are what make you stronger and better every day. Untangle your sense of self-worth from your productivity, and I promise you your stress levels will go way down!

For example…

I’ve definitely messed up at work more times than I care to admit. One mistake last year was that I ordered a ton of prints for flyers that I thought I was supposed to order – but my employer ended up not needing them because she didn’t go to the event that they were for. I jumped the gun and made a $500 mistake. Oops. I thought I failed at my job; that I had failed at the most basic task; that I had made a huge costly error that was going to come out of my paycheck and that I was going to forever be seen as an incompetent blundering idiot from here on out.

As uncomfortable as it was, realizing my mistake, scrambling to find evidence that I had in fact received confirmation to print it (I hadn’t), owning up to it to my employer and getting chewed out for it… I learned a few valuable lessons.

1) I can totally handle a reprimand for a work mistake, even if it’s reeeeeally uncomfortable.

I’ll still be ok after. In fact, I now have a way tougher skin for this kind of thing because I already know and this for a fact, because I’ve already lived through it and still came out ok on the other side. Just a little ego bruised. Not only do I recover from the weight of reprimand faster, but I also don’t even feel the plummeting self-worth that I used to get automatically. Now if I make a mistake, I own up to it as soon as I find out so I can simply move forward to resolving it.

2) Making a mistake and getting in “trouble” for it doesn’t actually mean anything about me as a person.

Because my inherent value is not equal to my performance at work. My self-worth is far more closely tied to how I handle a mistake, than the fact of me making a mistake in the first place. Mistakes genuinely happen, and anyone can make a mistake. How you handle it is what reveals your character.

3) Keep moving forward to find a solution or resolution.

When I “fail” at something, I learn from that experience so I can do better next time I’m in a similar situation. So, great – I made a mistake, we talked about it immediately, and what I should do next is contact the printers to see if they can make any exception and refund the money; if not, I tried my best and we’ll deal with the remaining options. In the end, we didn’t get a refund (I totally understand why) but my employer didn’t care so much about the money in the end. What ended up happening is I proposed a new procedure for getting approval for company orders and purchases that she clearly understood and agreed to, and which helped everyone out afterward!

We live and we learn. It’s a simple yet beautiful and elegant truth about life. When you learn from your experiences and keep going on with your life, you’re not a failure. You’re doing exactly what you’re supposed to be doing.

Tip #2: Take the long perspective.

When you take the long perspective, you realize that you’re not a failure at all in the grand scheme of things.

You are on a path, a non linear path, that is your overall life’s journey. Every part of the journey is exactly as it needs to be to give you the experiences that made you, you; and all of that is working to shape you into the wisest and most capable you.

I’ve heard a rule of thumb floating around, and it goes like this: “If it won’t matter in 5 years, it doesn’t matter now.” How liberating is that? Once I really internalized this, it helped me feel so much freer.

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Look back at past failures.

How much do they matter now?

What can you realize that you’ve learned from failures, and how have they helped you become the person you are today?

For example…

One of my biggest “failures” was leaving my PhD program after only my first year. It was a big deal. It derailed my life’s plan from the direction I thought I had charted out for at least the next 5 years. I was also walking away from a full ride scholarship that I could barely believe I had received.

I started my program not knowing I was pregnant, and me and my partner were on the other side of the country from home, our families, and friends. After I found out I was pregnant, it was a difficult decision… But I tuned in to my heart my decision became clear enough to me that it didn’t get drawn out too long.

What turned out to be difficult was telling my program that I wouldn’t be returning next year. It was the shame I had around leaving after only a year, and failing to do the thing that I had set out to do with the full intention of spending the next 5 or more years building a new life in a new city. It was also the disappointment radiating from my mom across the country, over tense and unwanted phone calls. I could feel her disappointment that I, her only daughter, got knocked up and was scrapping the opportunity that I had worked so hard toward. It was the cold feeling of facing the fact that I did the one thing my boyfriend’s mom casually but pointedly told me not to do before we left: “Don’t get pregnant.” It felt like all the things I had going for me – academic success, my fledgling career path, familial expectations – were tossed aside and trampled. By me. Because of me and my failure.

But how much does that “failure” matter now?

A lot. But not as a failure. My decision was not a failure. It was the right decision for me, and I’ve come to stick by it and live with it every day since I made that decision to move back home to raise my daughter. I don’t regret it at all, because it was my choice and aligned with my truth. All of the feelings of failure that I had initially are truly dissolved now. I realize now that the struggle was just a part of my journey to getting to where I am, and the life I have, today. Which leads me to nicely my second question:

What can I realize that I’ve learned from failures, and how have they helped me become the person I are today?

What felt like failure was actually a lesson in listening to my inner voice and honoring it, despite the friction and conflict and disappointment that I would face because of it.

At the end of the day, you have to stand up for what’s right for you and live by your own personal creed. Doing anything different ends up in misery and a different kind of failure: a failure to be yourself and life your own life. That’s something that I am not willing to do.

Leaving my PhD program, I’ve learned that I am free to make my own choices and that what seems like the end of the world and all my opportunities crashing down is really not so. Closing that door honestly opened up other doors that I would never have imagined for myself. I also learned that I am stronger and more resilient than I thought I was; stronger than I could have imagined myself to be, for making my decision, sticking with it, and defending it to people who I never thought I’d have to stand up to in this way.

The biggest “failure” I had turned out to be one of the biggest life lessons and growth / turning points of my life yet. That’s just how it goes. Again, embrace the failures and be grateful for the lessons!

Tip #3: Step away.

This tip is like an extension of perspective taking, kind of like how to conduct a manual overdrive: If you’re fully consumed by thoughts of the thing that you feel down about, it’s time to step away from it and have a reset.

Shift your worldview so that it’s not all about the “failure,” so that you can regain sight of what else is going on in your life, in the world, and what’s truly important to you. If you’ve been focusing all your energy on one area of your life – say, work – other areas of your life get neglected and you may start to lose sight of your other values and things that get you excited and and things that matter to you outside of work.

Stepping away to shift your worldview can ultimately take you on a journey of self-reflection where you re-evaluate your values and where you’re going and where you want to go…

But back to the point: Step away from whatever area of life houses the “failure” and reset your frame of reference for what matters.

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Self-care routines, long walks, Netflix and chill, camping, are all great ways to reset. Get into whatever you want, as long as it fills you up! You’re on the right track if your activity of choice leaves you feeling connected to yourself and is something you enjoy.

Do anything that enlarges your worldview and reconnects you to the things that are truest and closest to who you are at your core. Depending on what you’re like and what you’re feeling, that might be a solo activity or an activity you do with someone else or a group.

Get into a new or favorite old book. Have a friends brunch (virtual, in today’s pandemic). Have a date in with your boyfriend. Create something simply for the joy of making it – a painting, a Lego build, cookies, etc… Go on a run and be in your body, or just take a walk. The options are endless! It’s really what’s right for you.

For example…

I love listening to business podcasts of people sharing their dreams and journeys to realize them. It’s uplifting, inspiring and motivating to hear other people’s stories and feel less alone and cast my own struggles into a different perspective.

I also like to reset when I take my dog on walks. I listen to podcasts or uplifting, invigorating music to stimulate my mind, and it’s great for my body because I’m outside moving, in nature, and breathing in fresh air – all tried and true ways to boost your mood! And of course, I’m out there with my dog, my buddy, making sure he’s happy and taken care of. Knowing he’s ok and taken care of naturally makes me feel better and reminds me that the big wide world isn’t as narrow as I often think it is. To my dog, what happens at work isn’t even real. He can’t even perceive what i do, and it means nothing to him when I’m around him.

If I’m going in to a deeper self-care routine, it typically happens at night after everyone else is asleep. If my daughter’s in bed, my dog is in the kennel, and the kitchen is clean – it’s me time! I like to do my nails and watch videos or shows about inspiring things – nature shows, Chef’s Table, Queer Eye, etc. The goal is to feel like I’ve raised my vibration so I feel more like my best self (that’s the nails portion) and inspired by having learned something or expanded my worldview.

I also love to journal to shift my mindset and work through the tips 1 and 2 mentioned above, and just spend time with myself, focusing and refining my vision, my dreams, and expanding my beliefs for myself and my life. I get the candles and tea going, and music that matches my vibe. Sometimes it’s crystal healing bowl sounds, sometimes it’s Japanese jazz, sometimes it’s NPR Tiny Desk concerts, or just old playlists that let me drop into a flow. These nighttime self-care sessions are my reset, incubation, growth, and recovery time, all wrapped up into one.

You Are Not A Failure! How to Pick Yourself Back Up From A Fall

The tips above are suggestions for how to lift yourself up when you feel down from a “failure.” After you’ve pulled yourself through the discomfort, you still need to pick yourself back up. You still need to keep moving after you’ve pulled yourself through the discomfort.

How to pick yourself back up: keep going.

Don’t ever let a failure set you back entirely. If it’s something really big, it’s totally ok to take the time to work through it and process. You can use the tips above or whatever other process you need. But at the end of the day, you always need to keep moving. Failures are part of the journey and are not “bad” unless you perceive it as so. Take that into consideration as you pick yourself back up and keep pressing on.

And it might seem hard, but you absolutely can. Even when you feel like you can’t. You have what it takes. And I say that with certainty because it’s a human thing. We persist, as a species, as living beings – we always find a way to keep living and moving onward. You’ve lived through everything you’ve experienced so far, and come out on the other side of it. So own your power and own the fact that you’ve made it this far, and will continue to make it further. You are not a failure. You are doing great. You are learning and growing all the time. You are becoming more of you with every step of your life’s journey.